The Voice season premiere recap: week one of auditions

Hello, and welcome to what we like to call “F— You, Simon Cowell” Week at The Voice.

(And by “we,” I mean my lovely colleague Hillary Busis, who’ll be helping me recap not one, not two, but THREE DIFFERENT EPISODES this week.)

Since every TV network has launched its own version of America’s Next Top X Factor Duets, our favorite Voice coaches are now competing with the likes of Nicki Minaj, Mariah Carey, Britney Spears, Demi Lovato, and, uh, some dude who’s married to Nicole Kidman. So, just to remind you why you should be watching The Voice instead of those other shows, season three begins with the coaches reciting each other’s credentials. Adam’s always on the radio. Christina’s the voice of a generation. Blake’s one of the best in country music. And Cee Lo… wait! Does Cee Lo have a cockatoo on his shoulder? Okay, I’m sold.

The coaches kick off the audition rounds by covering the Rolling Stones’ “Start Me Up” in costumes that appear to have a patriotic theme. Adam’s wearing an American flag t-shirt. Cee Lo’s decked out in some kind of George Washington puffy shirt. And Christina’s rocking a chained bustier, just like Thomas Jefferson used to wear.

Preserving that “USA! USA!” spirit, we’ve got the first contestant, Scottish rocker Terry McDermott, who declares, “My wife’s American, my son’s American. I love it here!” Maybe you remember Terry from a band called Driveblind? Okay, maybe not. But you’ll definitely remember him now, because the guy’s rendition of the Who’s “Baba O’Riley” blows everyone away. Christina’s absolutely right that he has a strong, clear radio quality to his voice (and a strong, clear radio quality to his hair, too, which is styled up in a Golden Age of Noel Gallagher mop). Blake says he can get Terry to win without even singing. Between Terry’s Scottish accent and Blake’s Southern twang, he says, “I’ll let you go up there and talk for a while, we’ll smoke some cee-gars and win this thing.” That sounds good to Terry, who chooses Blake. But Terry’s son says he should’ve picked Adam or Cee Lo. Daaad! So embarrassing!

Next up is De’ Borah form Chicago. And—check out what she’s wearing! It’s like Clifford the Big Red Suit!—I love this lady’s style and energy from the moment she struts onto the stage like the second coming of Janelle Monae (with a little Meshell Ndegeocello thrown in). Why does Carson have to take this moment to remind us that The Voice isn’t about looks? De’Borah’s looks are amazing. Everything about her is awesome: her supportive church pastor parents (“Dope parents, right?”), the way she talks (“Boom! I am gay!”), and that phenomenal gospel-meets-funk-meets-rock’n’roll holler she’s got going on. So I’m very disappointed when she picks such a toothless song. If I get through The Voice without hearing another Train track, I’ll eat Cee Lo’s cockatoo. But at least De’Borah puts some actual soul into “Hey Soul Sister.” As Christina raves, “She’s a sassypants.” And, luckily, that sassypants picks Christina.

NEXT: A garbage collector’s son makes Carson cry

I’ll admit that, initially, I was not hopeful about Gracia Harrison‘s audition. I started to yawn the moment this Southern belle announced, “I work at a fitness center and a retail store.” But wait, this little blonde girl can yodel? Too bad Jewel’s not mentoring anymore! She makes an excellent song choice, too: Singing Patsy Montana’s “I Want To Be a Cowboy’s Sweetheart,” she sounds a little like Patsy Cline. That is, until she unleashes a yodel that puts Austro-Bavarian clog-dancers to shame. She’s an obvious pick for Blake, who quickly nabs her. But I’m curious how far this idiosyncratic talent will get her once the judges throw other genres at her. Let’s see if this girl can yodel through an R. Kelly song.

After three solid auditions, poor Garrett Gardner can’t keep up the pace. His Joe Cocker-wannabe twist on Creedence’s “Have You Ever Seen the Rain” is boring. (Though it still makes me cry. The second I see this skinny kid’s eyes well up over his late father, I lose it.) And Devyn Deloera isn’t amazing either. True, she has big strappy stilettos to fill when she chooses Christina Aguilera’s “Ain’t No Other Man” (one of the most romantic songs of all time, in my humble opinion), but her growly, big-girl-in-a-little-girl’s-body voice is kind of meh. No wonder everyone mentions how pretty she is. “She’s a beautiful girl,” observes Blake. “You’re gorgeous!” Christina squeals when Devyn picks her as her coach. And what song’s playing when Devyn walks off the stage? One Direction’s “What Makes You Beautiful.” Okay, we get it! The girl’s not ugly!

By this point, Adam still doesn’t have a team. But his first draft is a great pick: Bryan Keith, son of Paul Simon’s buddy Ray de la Paz, who sings with the Spanish Harlem Orchestra. Bringing his naturally husky tone to Bruno Mars’ “It Will Rain,” Bryan gives the song a certain gravity. “You got the range and the rasp,” says Cee Lo. “It’s very effective.” But Bryan chooses Adam, who’ll probably be a better fit for his tattooed pop star vibe.

And that leaves a special surprise for Team Cee Lo: Daniel Rosa! Remember him? The bow-tied Neon Trees fan from last season? The coaches called him “pitchy,” but I liked him, mostly because he seemed like a genuinely sweet human being. This time around, his deconstructed version of Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used to Know” is a little… bizarre. But Cee Lo just shrugs and says, “I like it.” And that’s when it happens. Daniel starts giggling. And fluttering his hands. And almost boiling over with joy. When Adam says he wants to give Daniel a hug, the guy nearly explodes. “What!” he exclaims, all exclamation-point-like. “WHAT?!?” And when Cee Lo calls him “cool as a f—er,” you can practically hear all the air get knocked out of him. “Ohmygosh!” he gasps. “Hah! Haaahhhhhh!” All the ticklish baby wallabies on Cute Overload cannot compete with this man.

Following Daniel, we get various battles for authenticity. Weirdly, a Jamaican woman gets axed for not “feeling” Bob Marley enough. And a flirty Southern girl gets the boot, even though she’s singing the ultimate flirty Southern-girl anthem (“Son of a Preacher Man”). But the punk guy, Joe Kirkland, makes it through the audition with his cred in tact. He’s got a good backstory: he used to play with the Dallas group Artist Vs Poet, but when the singer bailed, the label didn’t want him to front the band, so he went solo. It also helps that he sounds like a slightly more aggressive Adam Levine when he takes on All-American Rejects’ “Gives You Hell.” Unsurprisingly, he picks Adam as his coach. But he also leaves Christina with a few words to remember him by. “Everything’s bigger in Texas,” he says, grinning. And she responds by whispering those three little words every man longs to hear: “Hey HEY hey!”

Now, the only singer left is Trevin Hunte. And it’s obvious why he’s been saved for last: he is definitely the Big Inspirational Moment. This R&B marvel grew up in Jamaica, Queens, where he says he frequently awoke to ambulances and gunshots. His father’s a garbage truck driver, and he brought back a radio from his route, which Young Trevin brought down to the basement to sing along. That was the moment Trevin knew that he wanted to be a singer.

If that story doesn’t hit you right in the softest part of your tender little girl-heart, his voice might stab you there with a large steak knife. Performing Beyonce’s “Listen,” Trevin pours every ounce of his heavyset frame into notes that rise and expand and bend over his head like some kind of diva rainbow. Trevin’s booming voice pulls Cee Lo right out of his chair. And Christina follows him in that standing ovation. And Blake does too. “I’m completely blown away,” admits Christina. Trevin ultimately picks Cee Lo, but almost everyone else cries, including Trevin, who admits that his eighth grade teacher told him he’d amount to nothing. “You got everybody worked up!” says Carson, backstage. Even Carson has to wipe his eyes.

As far as I’m concerned, Trevin’s already got a shot at winning. But I defer to you, readers. Who are your favorites? Who won’t last through the next round? Tomorrow, we’ll be back to judge more contestants. Until then, who wants to egg the house of Trevin’s eighth grade teacher? C’mon, guys. Teachers love that kind of thing.