And now, the dramatic conclusion. Here comes the X Factor final. The real, genuine, final X Factor final. Before tonight is out, we'll conclusively know if X Factor will be won by Matt Cardle, Rebecca Ferguson or One Direction. Whoever it is, a glittering career awaits them. Well, a career. If you can call having one big single, a disappointing follow-up single and an album that sinks without trace a career. Exciting!
But before then, we'll get to hear each of them roadtest their prospective winner's singles. In an upsetting break from tradition, none of these will be horrible faux-aspirational power ballads about following your dreams that sound like they've either been written for a Gillette advert or a Disneyland advert. This is indeed a brave new world.
Plus, Prince might be performing. That's ridiculously exciting. Unless he plans to perform any song that has been released within the last two decades. Or Purple Rain, obviously.
So settle back, get ready for the big climax and occupy yourselves in the comment section - as nicely as possible, what with it being nearly Christmas and all - by guessing how long a dramatic pause Dermot O'Leary will leave when he announces the name of the X Factor winner. The industry standard is 23 seconds, so I'm going to go with that. See you back up here at 7:30.
7.28pm: Here we go, then. Deep breaths. One last push.
7.33pm: And now, for one last time, we must welcome the X Factor judges:
Dannii: Cruella de Vil
Louis: Grinning like Jimmy Savile's just fixed it for him to own the world's largest collection of horrible bowties.
Cheryl: Saluting for the last time, at least until she joins the army to battle an enemy that can only be defeated with make-up and sobbing.
Simon: Chest status - pretty much all of his shirt buttons open. I'd expect nothing left for such an auspicious night.
7.39pm: The finalists are doing Never Forget by Take That. And they will never forget where they came from. This is because X Factor compulsively reminds everyone where they came from once every 15 seconds in order to try and elicit an emotional reaction from the viewers.
And look at that, Take That have hopped up onstage to join in. I wasn't expecting that. Ahh, this is why they're doing Never Forget - it's because Howard sings it, so the finalists won't be completely overshadowed by them.
7.43pm: I've just remembered that this is two hours long. The recap, not the show. The recap is two hours long. At this rate we'll know the winner sometime during the closing ceremony of the Olympics.
7.47pm: Also, I've just realised that this could be the last time we'll see the Yeo Valley advert. I'm choking back tears, here.
7.50pm: First up - Matt. According to Dannii, he's about to sing his heart out. What with all these people singing their hearts out, that wipe-clean shiny floor in the X Factor final is looking like one hell of an investment.
7.54pm: Matt's singing Firework by Katy Perry. Which seems a little bit weird, since Katy's own performance of this song was one of the low points of the entire series. And she had fireworks, too. Matt's just got lemon trousers and a bunch of dancers in silly helmets. That hardly compares.
Oh, hang on, Matt's also got a pneumatic plinth. That alone puts him head and shoulders above anything we've seen tonight. The judges give Matt a standing ovation, even though he was generally a bit screechy and rubbish.
7.56pm: Stacey Solomon's back in Colchester, screaming at a woman who's made a pizza that looks like Matt's face. I think that's all happening anyway. There's a chance that I fell and banged by head earlier and this is all just a warped unconscious concussion dream.
8.00pm: Ad slots for the X Factor final are supposed to be so expensive that the press has called tonight 'Britain's Super Bowl'. Although the adverts in America's Super Bowl are generally bespoke and clever. Here we just get that one where Amanda Holden holds a lot of plates and pulls a funny face. It's not really Britain's Super Bowl, is it?
8.04pm: Now it's the turn of One Direction, who Simon Cowell really wants to win. You can't tell, because his face has been fixed rigid for about five years, but he does.
One Direction are singing Torn, their first ever group performance together. It marked the moment when Simon Cowell realised that One Direction could be a real moneyspinner, so long as Liam sings a bit, Harry sings a bit and the other three just stand around at the back going "Oooh". They're also on a giant plinth, which prevents them from taking a step forward for the keychange. Well, they could, but they'd all fall and break their spines. And that would obviously be a bad thing. It'd make Harry's mum sad, for a start. We can't have that.
8.08pm: Oh dear. Back in Doncaster, Coronation Street Lady is enunciating correctly while failing to admire any pizzas shaped like One Direction. This is a terrible letdown. Nobody invite Coronation Street Lady back.
8.12pm: Finally, Rebecca Ferguson. She's doing Sweet Dreams. On a plinth, naturally. But the plinth is for a good reason - the stage has been invaded by some aggressive binbag types, and she obviously doesn't want to associate with them very much. They're wearing binbags, for crying out loud. You wouldn't want to associate with them either.
That was the best performance of the three Plinth Songs. Not that it matters any more. Nobody's going to change their mind at this point, are they? Honestly, they may as well let Louis Walsh do his balloon animal demonstration instead. Time's running out.
8.15pm: Coleen Rooney is in Liverpool, being screamed at by strangers. Sadly there's no novelty foodstuff to be seen here. Sorry Rebecca, you've just lost the amusing food vote. And it was all looking so good for you, too.
8.17pm: Right. During Interminable Recap Number Two, here's what's happening. Votes will be frozen soon, and one act will be kicked off. The last two will get to perform their winner's single and...
...oh, actually, screw it. None of you are actually daft enough to vote, are you? So essentially what'll happen is there'll be a load of flashing lights and loud noises and some people will cry and then we can all just get on with our lives. Hope that clears things up.
8.19pm: Next up, the Hilarious Audition Song. Oh, this bit is HILARIOUS, isn't it? Hilarious. Oh, no, hang on, what's the opposite of hilarious? I meant that word.
8.25pm: This year it's Bad Romance. They're all there. The ones that punched each other. The Michael Jackson one. The old one. The ones that wore the T-shirts. The one who wore glasses. The one with long hair. The prostitute one, sitting inside a big mouth. All of them. Remember them? No? It probably doesn't matter.
Dermot O'Leary has referred to this as "what makes Britain great." I always thought it was the invention of the suspension bridge. But I was wrong. Shows what I know, eh?
8.31pm: And now the road ends for one contestant. Here goes...
Matt is through. And... Rebecca is through. One Direction are out. Goodness. That was a 9.6-second pause, incidentally.
8.35pm: I'm quite upset that One Direction are out, actually. If they had gone on to win, their winner's single would have been Forever Young. Or Oh Harry's Mum as I was ready to retitle it. Poor Harry's mum. I'll miss her most of all.
Simon Cowell is upset at the result. But this is just the beginning, he says. JLS didn't win either, remember? And look at them now - they had their own TV show yesterday and everything. Admittedly watching it was like being repeatedly punched in the face by an idiot, but it was still a TV show.
8.40pm: Now for the winner's singles. They've both got different songs this year. But are they good? Well, no, obviously, but let's pretend to wait and see.
8.44pm: Matt's potential single is Many Of Horror by Biffy Clyro. Which is brilliant, because I've personally always wanted to have a Christmas number one that's a reality TV show cover version of a song by a band with low enough aspirations to want to rip off Snow Patrol.
This is a strange mixture of earnest and insipid. Insernest? Earnipid? One of these words perfectly describes this song but I'm not sure which one yet. Matt's just threatened us with the words "It's you and me until the end of time." Be realistic, Matt. If you win it'll be you and me until about the middle of February, tops.
8.45pm: Cheryl just said that Matt sang that from the bottom of his heart. Which, if you remember, he just sang out a few minutes ago. Not sure how that works, really.
Matt just called Dermot 'bro'. That's one imaginary vote he's just lost.
8.50pm: I wondered how they'd pad out this bit. And they're doing it with a best bits package. And a video of friends and family saying how brilliant they are. And then a heartfelt message from their mentor. And then, obviously, a bit where Stacey Solomon honks like a goose at the top of her voice. There isn't a dry eye in the house. God, I love geese.
8.54pm: Rebecca Ferguson now. And if Rebecca wins X Factor she'll be releasing this - it's Distant Dreamer by Duffy. It's probably the most X Factorish of the winner's songs this year, because it starts off slow and then keeps getting bigger and bigger. Although not Aguilera big, obviously, because then Rebecca would just seize up and look all startled again. Plus, because it doesn't sound like it's being yelped out by Uni from the Dungeons And Dragons cartoon, it's slightly better than the original. Slightly. I mean, I wouldn't buy it. I'm not mental.
Rebecca has got all kinds of walk-on choirs in her favour. And violinists. And glittery confetti. Matt just had some three-day stubble. This was better.
8.56pm: Simon says that he can't call the result. And Simon can always call the result. This must be the closest final ever. And that can only mean one thing - don't vote like you've never not voted before, people.
9.00pm: Brilliant. I appear to have offended every single Biffy Clyro fan in the world. I didn't mean they sound like Snow Patrol, obviously.
I meant that they sound like Travis.
Oh, no, no I didn't. I'm joking. I'm JOKING.
A bit.
9.06pm: Half an hour left. What's left. Take That? Probably. Prince? Possibly. Stacey Solomon making a noise like a goose? Almost definitely. That alone will make it all seem worthwhile.
9.09pm: Now for a musical performance by Take That. What a privilege it is to have them perform at the X Factor final, given that they traditionally only limit their appearances to about a fifth of all X Factor episodes, plus most Strictly Come Dancing episodes, Dancing On Ice, almost all awards shows, that full-length documentary of theirs and everything else in all of history. This is a special treat indeed.
9.13pm: Robbie Williams just declared his love for Wagner. He is one of us now. We can never be mean about him again.
9.16pm: Lines now closed. Winner revealed after the break. Which means no Prince. If any of you feel let down by my suggestion that he would appear, then I'll be playing a brief medley of his songs on a kazoo and ukulele in an abandoned B&Q car park at about 2am tonight. I hope you can all join me.
9.21pm: This is it. The result is in. There are ten minutes left. At least eight of these will be dedicated to Dermot standing around in silence before announcing the winner. How the other two go is anyone's guess.
9.21pm: This is it.
9.23pm: And Matt's won it. A very poor show - that was only an anaemic 15.4-second pause. I expected better than this, O'Leary.
9.27pm: Rebecca's being gracious in defeat, but tonight is all about Matt and his determination to get a Christmas number one about punching someone in the heart, or whatever it is that this song is about.
Still, while he's performing his victory lap, let's remember the journey that Matt's been on. He used to wear a hat a lot. And now he doesn't. And that's about it. But, hey, it's almost Christmas - let's do the decent thing and wish him well. So long as his solo stuff sounds nothing like his last band (which sounded like some buskers covering a bunch of half-remembered Reef songs), he might have promising future ahead of him.
9.29pm: So that's that. Matt Cardle is the newly-crowned winner of X Factor 2010, and I look forward to your half-baked internet campaigns to derail his chances of ever getting a number one. A worthy winner? That's for you to decide. Although, on the basis that he isn't Wagner, probably not, no.
And that's the end of the X Factor liveblogs for 2010, too. Despite the enormous amount of irreparable damage it has caused to the majority of my sensory organs, I've had an absolute ball writing them. Most of this has been down to your comments. Always funny, usually spot-on and never anything less than brilliant, they've routinely been the highlight of this entire endeavour. You gave it 1000%, I love everything about you, you put your own stamp on it and you all remind me of a little Luther Vandross. This is high praise indeed.
Don't forget (last time, promise) to follow me on Twitter (@stuheritage) where I'll be unsuccessfully trying to fill the hole that X Factor has left in my heart by half-heartedly liveblogging every single aspect my own life. Until next year!