So the best films have been chronicled and patted on the back but where’s the fun in that? This year I had to put up with some of the shoddiest film-making ever and now for my revenge.
This list would most definitely be topped by ‘Meet The Spartans’, ‘Superhero Movie’ and ‘Disaster Movie’ but techniclly these aren’t films. They are the afterbirth of some creatively impotent morons. And they get far too much attention for me to give them any more.
So on with the most crass, the most intolerable: the cinematic equivalent of knob-cheese in 2008.
10. The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor
I imagine the film-makers where hoping for a funny, enjoyable romp, but the end result is as fun and enjoyable as shagging the corpse of your dead mum.
Full Mummy 3 Review
9. Over Her Dead Body
So shit that the word shit has now lost all meaning to me. Its really, really, really shit.
Full Over Her Dead Body Review
8. 10,000BC
10,000BC is as risible a production as you will see at the movies this year. Part ‘Braveheart’, Part ‘300’, Part ‘Gladiator’, All Wank.
Full 10,000BC Review
7. AVP2: Requiem
You start to wonder if the ‘Alien’ or ‘Predator’ franchise had raped the film-makers’ grandmothers and they wanted revenge by making the beasties so unscary that even a six-year-old with a nervous disorder wouldn’t be troubled by these once fearsome creatures.
Full AVP2 Review
6. What Happens In Vegas
I hate Ashton Kutcher. I hate him so much a film such as this is my idea of an Austrian basement with a rather bad paternal figure.
Full What Happens In Vegas Review
5. Fools Gold
If you want sea-related highjinks check out Hudson’s mum in ‘Overboard’ instead. Compared to this it’s Citizen fucking Kane.
Full Fools Gold Review
4. 88 Minutes
Falls short of even being as clever as a typical episode of ‘The Hoobs’.
Full 88 Minutes Review
3. My Best Friend’s Girl
A breathtakingly toss assault on everything I hold good and pure in this messed up world.
Full My Best Friends Girl Review
2. Sex And The City Movie
Women are portrayed as two dimensional, simpering idiots, with no capacity for rationality or change.
Full Sex And the City Review
1. P.S. I Love You
Q. How many women does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. According to this film it doesn’t matter. They’re only worried about karaoke, shoes and a deep dicking.
Full P.S. I Love You Review